When Grief Gets Complicated.
- Christina
- Mar 3
- 6 min read
Updated: Apr 13
Hello again grief explorers,
Today I want to take a moment to explore the difference between normal and complicated or prolonged grief.
The reason I thought it might be helpful to write about the distinction between 'normal' vs 'complicated or prolonged' grief is that it impacts around 10-20% of the population and knowing the difference might help you determine if you need a little extra support with your grief. In addition, all grief looks and feels incredibly intense in those first brutal months to year/s. Mood swings, sadness, numbness, anger, you name it - all those experiences are to be expected as you adjust to your world being rocked by loss. But how can you tell if you're grief is starting to complicate your life in ways that aren't natural? Well, here are some of the key differences I look out for as a social worker that might help you along the way.
Normal Life with Grief.
Normal grief is ever shifting. One of the signs of normal grieving is the unpredictability of shifting emotions. One minute you'll be laughing at an old memory, the next you're hit by a sudden crushing wave of sadness. Sometimes you're numb and other times enraged over your loss. It's a constant ebb and flow. Each day is different and living from day-to-day, moment-to-moment means your grief is being experienced. You may have periods of cycling through confronting the pain, denying it, distracting yourself, reminiscing - all totally normal self-preservation tactics.
While it rarely feels like it in when you are in the thick of normal grief, as the months go by, there is some ease or light that begins peeking through, what I call, more energy in your adjustment to life. You start noticing lengthier stretches of feeling like yourself again as you integrate grief into your life. You might even get through entire days without crying or calling in sick from work due to stress and challenge of it all. Life slowly starts reintegrating.
Is my grief normal or complicated? Complicated Grief Explained.
In contrast to normal grief is what’s termed 'complicated' grief. Complicated?! I know, I know what you might say. Isn’t life complicated anyway? Well yes, it is, and grief can sometimes complicate life even more, especially when it’s super intense and sticks around at the same level of intensity for a long, long while. According the DSM-5 (diagnostic criteria used in psychiatric realms), one of the primary indicators of complicated grief is feeling hopelessly, perpetually stuck for at least a year and more. Now before you go diagnosing yourself as having prolonged or complicated grief just because it’s been longer than a year since your loss, it’s important to know some key distinctions. And it’s important to know that life with grief doesn’t have a timeframe, so let’s just put a pause on the 1-year stamp listed in book of mental health categories.
Complicated grief unlike normal grief that ebbs and flows and shifts, can feel like a never-ending looping cycle of the same intrusive thoughts, the intense anguish, sadness, anger with little to no relief no matter what you try. In this way, grief feels like it has consumed your whole being, your identity and how you see yourself in the world. Every aspect of your life - relationships, work, self-care - takes a backseat as you're overcome by your inner grief experiences. And it can feel inescapable and eternal.
With complicated grief, there's no real sense of moving through grief or integrating the loss into life. People sometimes describe it to me as a soul-crushing feeling, like a forever feeling that’s mashed up in anguish, intense longing and obsessive thoughts about the loss. It can feel like you’re being smashed by constant reminders of the loss or loved ones, and you may find yourself constantly avoiding those reminders of the loss or loved ones as it feels like any sense of hope for the future is gone.
So while ‘Normal Grief’ can be viewed as experiences that are sometimes there, intermittent, that it comes and goes, takes you by surprise, with each day being a little different, ‘Complicated Grief’ is well, complicating how you live life. Normal grief comes in waves, while complicated grief feels like the vast ocean that’s never ending. In normal grieving, even as the waves grow turbulent at times, they inevitably roll back out again.
You'll have bouts of deep sadness, anger, guilt, relief or whatever is rightfully so for you - but then you have moments of respite, of feeling somewhat okay or even experiencing moments of joy in-between the tough days. And yes, even though your world has forever changed, and you may pine for your loved one, glimpses of joy and meaning can still arise as you adjust to your loss over time.
Complicated or Prolonged grief, on the other hand, is one intense long voyage with no real sense of emotional calm between the storms. It’s intrusive and dominates almost every moment and part of your being, like a dark claustrophobic cloud hanging over you with very little reprieve.
Losing your identity in grief.
In normal grieving, big parts of your sense of self and identity inevitably get shaken to the core. If it was a loved one you lost, reconciling the void left within you and finding ways to rebuild or reignite those parts of who you are is all part of the grief journey.
However, in normal grieving, you don't entirely lose your core identity. Sure, it evolves and changes as you process the loss. But at your innermost being, you can still feel that part of "you" is still intact as you chart your new normal.
Complicated grief on the other hand, often makes people feel like strangers in their own skin. Sometimes, their entire identity become completely consumed and defined by the trauma of the loss. That pre-grief sense of self is seemingly swallowed whole as the grief hijacks their being.
The search for meaning is shut down.
While the natural flow of normal grieving is painful, it’s meaningful in its own way. Even in through the darkest depths of despair, you can usually start to seek or find little morsels of meaning to help you along the way. Exploring connection through rituals, focusing on shared memories, and finding purpose despite the pain are all ways grievers can create new meaning and reconnect with their humanness.
In contrast, when grief becomes complicated it means some of the meaning-making abilities have completely shut down. You keep frantically searching for threads of positivity, beauty, connection - but the longing means that you can't grasp a single one. The loss seems to swallow any sense of joy, clarity or purpose you once held.
What to do if your grief gets a little complicated.
Knowing the difference between what’s termed ‘normal grief and when grief may have tipped over into a longer more ‘complicated grief’ can be important to help you know when you might need to seek out some extra support.
If you're grieving and struggling to tell which camp you fall into, please reach out to a professional mental health practitioner or grief counsellor. Grief is incredibly nuanced and there's no need to suffer needlessly if it’s taking it’s toll on your life. Plus some extra help can sometimes make the difference between feeling perpetually lost in the abyss or to being gently guided back towards creating life of meaning (even with loss) that awaits you.
If you are interested in knowing more about Complicated or Prolonged Grief check out the Centre for Prolonged Grief (USA)who also have a handy self-assessment tool you can complete too https://prolongedgrief.columbia.edu/brief-grief-questionnaire/
If you are in the lands of Australia, you may want to consider grief support services like Grief Australia or Griefline for options for supporting you through grief, or speak with your health professional on where to access support.
For now, may you move through your grief, (be it normal, complicated, prolonged or whatever ride you are on), with greater ease and love in your heart.
Christina is a holistic social worker, Matrix Reimprinting, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) practitioner and Reiki master-teacher with a love of holistic practices to enhance wellbeing.
She works with people to free themselves from their grief struggles including those experienced through cancer, so they can move through life with more ease, confidence, love and joy, all while honouring their loved ones and themselves in their own unique way.
Comments