What if I can't accept my loss?
- Christina S
- Apr 25, 2023
- 4 min read
Updated: Feb 11
Acceptance is a common word I often hear when it comes to grieving the death or loss of loved ones. But we often don’t think about all the ways this seemingly liberating word can sometimes keep us stuck in our grief experience.
The struggle with 'accepting loss' during grief.
Today I met with a grieving sister (let us call her Jodie) who was in the throws of supporting her younger 50-something year old sister through her end of life care with only days left together. Jodie was recently bereaved after she buried her father 6 months prior to cancer and her mother in the year prior during the peak of COVID. As I sat with Jodie she buried her head in her hands and whimpered “I don’t think I can accept this, not this”. I listened to Jodie’s expression of grief, her fears of feeling alone for the first time in her life and unsure of how she would continue to live her life, even though she was surrounded by her loving husband and adult children. For Jodie, her sister knew her better than anyone and there was an unspoken understanding and appreciation of each other, a bond that nobody else could match. As I inquired about Jodie’s understanding and perception of acceptance she said “I know there are five stages to grief but I don’t think I can accept this. Not this. It doesn’t make sense, it’s too soon”. Jodie share with me how the death of her father and mother whilst difficult was easier to process, easier to accept as they’d lived a long life and were aging parents whom Jodie was caring for in their older age. As Jodie grappled with her understanding of grief I reassured her that acceptance is merely a word and sometimes words and processes such as the five stages of grief don’t quite capture the heartache or sense making we desperately seek in our experiences of grief, words that can sometimes place undue pressure on ourselves to be a certain way that may not be congruent with our current inner world experience.
Is a staged grief theory always helpful?
At times having a model, staged grief theory or process to work through can provide some people with a sense of security or provide a foundation from which to move through grief with greater ease. But in some cases they can do quite the opposite, they can keep you stuck in a set of beliefs, perceptions or expectations how grief “should” unfold. I personally am not a fan of a staged model of grief but I can see how it can be helpful, especially if you are the sort of person who likes structure and models to work with. My suggestion is instead to experience concepts, grief theories or models with a flexible open mind and to instead allow yourself to experience grief in your own unique way.
If you are someone like Jodie who is finding themselves grappling with the idea of acceptance or the need to accept your loss or death of a loved one, perhaps consider an alternative word, like allowance. That is, allow yourself the opportunity to tune in to what it is you are truly struggling with and focus on how you can support and allow your emotions and thoughts to be there just as they are, warts and all. You may not feel totally comfortable with them and that’s ok. Perhaps like Jodie, you might feel you can’t accept the reality of your situation right now, perhaps your fears about the future or how you might experience life in general are taking centre stage. Perhaps you too are questioning “am I going to be ok? How am I going to be able to live without my loved one? How am I going to live with this grief?”
If acceptance in grief isn’t what I’m working towards, then what?
Instead of struggling to understand how you are going to come to terms with accepting your loss or what the next stage of your grief is likely to be, consider the following:
- allow the emotions, allow thoughts and allow the sensations you are struggling with to just be there with you, just as they are.
- notice with a little curiosity what happens to the energy in your body and mind when you switch from thinking about acceptance to being in allowance.
- and if any more thoughts, emotions or sensations or belief that start to arise, allow space for those too, to be there with you.
- bring in some self care healing practices like EFT, Matrix Reimprinting or Reiki to help ease any overwhelming sensations.
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If you are new to tapping or prefer someone to guide you through tapping on acceptance consider joining our 'Grief from the Couch' sessions, a tapping group designed to help you move through your grief with greater ease and confidence, all from the comfort of your couch!
And if you need more support to move through your grief book now for an EFT for grief or Matrix Reimprinting session. I’d be honoured to help you move through your struggles and experience a greater sense of freedom and ease.
If you enjoyed this blog, don’t forget to hit the like button or leave me a comment. I’d love to hear how you are going with healing your grief.
Christina
Christina is a cancer social worker, Matrix Reimprinting, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) practitioner and Reiki master-teacher with a love of energy psychology and healing practices.
She works with people to free themselves from their grief struggles so they can move through life with more ease, confidence, love and joy, all while honouring their loved ones and themselves in their own unique way.
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