Can You Really 'Get Over' Grief?
- Christina S
- May 16, 2024
- 9 min read
Updated: Feb 11
Hey there grief explorers,
Today, I want to dig into one of the biggest questions I often get asked in my role as a social worker when people are anticipating what life will be like without their loved one. It’s also a common question I get in the early months that follow after the death of a loved one when grief is raw. “Am I ever going to get over this?” It’s an interesting question. And the short answer is… “no, but it’s not that simple”. What I can tell you is that while I don't believe you ever really “get over” grief, you certainly can find more ease to move through daily life living with grief.
Now before you start crying into your coffee cup, hear me out! Getting over grief isn't the goal we should be aiming for. Instead, we need to reconsider how we view this universal human experience and allow the journey to unfold. Let me explain a little more.
Grief Is a Natural Part of Life’s Journey.
Natural you say? But it hurts like all hell! And when you're knee-deep in that thick, heavy fog of grief, it feels impossible to ever imagine that life will be okay again. I completely understand. The pain can be brutal, intense, and all-consuming at times. And if you are grieving the loss of someone or something deeply meaningful to you, that grief is very real and it can feel like it’s never going to stop.
From my experience as a social worker working with cancer patients and their families, including those who have said their final farewell to their loved ones, I've learned that grief isn't a thing to be "gotten over." It's not a hurdle to jump over or a finish line to cross. Grief is a natural process that helps us heal from significant loss. It's the journey, not the destination that is the most important.
Everyone’s grief journey is unique and different too, as unique as the lives that each person lives. For some people their grief terrain may feel like winding paths with some large some hills and valleys, while for others it can feel like a brutal climb through Everest, one that cannot be climbed alone. Grief journeys are ever evolving processes of adjusting to life without the person, situation or experience you lost.
You Don't "Get Over" Grief, You Grow Around It
Have you ever heard the saying “You don’t get over it, you grow around it?” It’s a popular one amongst grief therapists. Most of us are familiar with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and the famous 5 stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It's been popularized as a neat linear path that we follow when we are faced with death, yes death (not for all grief related losses). It seems that this staged approach got so popular it’s now bantered around for different grief experiences even though it emerged from her research on those who were dying. Now I want to introduce you to this other concept of “Growing around your grief” by Dr Lois Tonkin that views grief completely differently, kind of like a beautiful journey into self-discovery and growth. Let’s take a look at this model and see if it speaks to you in someway.
In 1996 Dr Lois Tonkin wrote an article called “Growing around grief: another way to look at grief and recovery”. In this article, she shares a story about a woman who is grappling with the death of her child and depicts perspectives held about grief through the use of various sketches. At first it was thought that grief might shrink over time but what was discovered is that that grief doesn’t actually shrink, but instead it remains the same while life grows around grief.
Since Dr Tonkin’s landmark article, there have been many images depicting the concept about growing around grief, one of my favourites are from The Ralph Site (a site for pet loss). The Ralf Site created this image from the idea of “Growing around Grief” by Lois Tonkin.
What I love about this concept is that it conjures up powerful metaphors. For instance, grieving, is kind of like having a huge boulder abruptly dropped into the middle of your life's path. At first, it completely blocks your way forward. You can't go around it, over it, or through it. You're are simply stuck, devastated perhaps and consumed by this obstruction. But here's the magical part - as time passes, you realize you can't wait around forever for that boulder to disappear. So you start tentatively forging new paths outward from that point of despair and loss. You begin to grow around the grief, like a river rerouting itself after a landslide.
And amazingly, as you begin to live your life, the fresh paths carved around that immovable boulder, develop green shoots, tender new growths of strength, wisdom, appreciation, and resilience that can flourish along the periphery of grief. Even while the boulder remails solid, life can also blossom outward, growing a lush new landscape around the grief, birthing the potential for beauty and discover after loss.
Another thing I love about Dr Tonkin’s simple and wise grief concept is the acknowledgement that grieving isn't about "moving on" or “getting over” our loss. It’s more about growing out from grief and around it. Any unbearable heavy sorrow can become fertile soil for our souls to flourish in profound and new ways. I don't know about you, but that gives me a great sense of hope and appeals to me more than some of the other grief theories like the staged approach to grief. As we make space for grief, we can also make room to keep growing around it in meaningful ways. To me that’s what life is about, continued growth and discovery of one’s true potential.
How to integrate grief into daily life.
The idea of “getting over” the loss or death of a loved one, to me is like you’ve pack up those grief feelings in tidy little box and shelved them away somewhere, as though the loss never happened or perhaps didn’t hold any meaning to you. It almost feels like a ‘jack in the box’ waiting to spring out with a surprising jolt! As you begin to integrate grief into your life and allow the feelings and experiences some space in your life’s journey, there’s an honouring of the lost relationship, the lost dreams, the lost hopes and more in a way that is meaningful to you. Maybe you’ll find healthy ways to continue feeling connected to your loved one/s or perhaps as you explore parts of yourself over time, new values and perhaps you discover that grief shapes you, but doesn't wholly define you.
Now, I know what you're thinking: “Christina, that sounds all well and good, but how in the world do I actually do any of that?” Fair question. Well here are a few suggestions (they are suggestions not prescriptions folks!) that might help you along the way:
1. Feel all the colours of the grief rainbow if that’s what you need. If you need to cry, then cry, if you’re angry, let it rip, safely of course (don’t hurt yourself or anyone else). And try not to box it away (remember the jack in the box!) or put on a brave face if that’s not coherent with how you are feeling. Whenever you need to, allow those feelings to rise and fall, journal about it, talk it out with a loved one or therapist. The more you allow grief space to breathe, the more breath you’ll also find for life.
2. Take care of yourself. Grief can take a toll on your physical and emotional health, so go slow and look after your body and mind by engaging in activities that allow you to ‘let off steam naturally’, that bring you peace, calm and maybe even some joy (for me that’s dancing in the loungeroom when nobody is looking).
3. Get support. You don't have to go it alone. Seek out a tribe of support. Lean on your friends family, or join a support group (in-person or online), or consider working with a therapist or counsellor who specializes in grief and loss. And if talking to someone isn’t your thing, then explore alternative methods that work for you. Get creative with it. You can explore grief through emotional freedom technique (tapping), through movement, art, photography, writing, music, building stuff and so much more. Think about what you are naturally drawn to in life and find your tribe or supports in those realms.
4. Live mindfully and explore what’s meaningful to you. When you're in the thick of grief, it can be hard to see the light, but trust me, even in the darkness there is light. Look for ways to honour your loved ones, yourself and losses in ways that are meaningful and unique to you. You don’t have to do what other’s have done before you, or traditionally if that’s not your thing. I once knew of someone who had her cat’s paw moulded in caster, painted and artistically decorated and framed in her home. Traditional?! Far from it, but this was her unique way of honouring her treasured cat whom she love and shared so many years and wonderful times with. So find your unique way of honouring your loved ones and what’s important to you. Living meaningfully is also about exploring your values, pursuing passions, or getting involved in causes that are meaningful to you. I’ve heard of many people that have started fundraising through fun runs or volunteering to support cancer charities to raise much needed dollars and support for cancer research. For them, it was their way of supporting their greater community as part of their own cancer survivor healing journey or what can sometimes be termed post-traumatic growth.
And when all else fails I often draw on the wise words of “Dory the fish” in Disney’s Finding Nemo when grappling with big stuff - "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming”. So take a deep breath and keep swimming y’all!
I know the journey through the sea of life might not be easy at times, but it's one worth exploring as there are so many treasures to be found in that sea. For on the other side of grief, there's a life waiting to be lived – your life, a life enriched by the lessons and growth that come from navigating the greatest seas and terrains.
Grief, an uncomfortable opportunity for growth.
Now if you’ve have been struggling with your grief lately, you may have cringed at my first suggestion on how to integrate your grief. I totally get it, it can seem incredibly uncomfortable and unpleasant. Grief itself can be messy, erratic, and unpredictable. It barges in like an unwanted house guest, making itself at home whether you're ready or not. The waves of sadness, longing, pain and mixed bag of emotions can hit you out of nowhere. The thing is, it’s all perfectly normal and natural!
So please know that if this has been your experience lately - YOU ARE NOT GOING NUTS! These are just typical side effects of your heart, mind and brain working through a SIGNIFICANT transition. The discomfort you're feeling is the process of your inner world adjusting to your new outer reality, a reality you didn’t sign up for. Just remember though, you don’t need to go it alone as there’s plenty of support out there for you.
At the end of the day, grief is inevitable in the experience of human life. We're wired to deeply bond with people, ideas, situations, and experiences. When one of those vital attachments is severed, it can feel like there is a hole inside you. And while you just may not “get over” having a part of you missing, remember that if you can begin to integrate your grief, that is, make it a part of your life story, and you who knows, maybe you too may discover how your life can grow around grief.
Does the theory of 'growing around grief' speak to you in some way? If so, have a think about the ways in which your life may have grown around your own grief. And if you’re up to it, leave me a comment. I’d love to hear how you having been growing around your grief. Sharing your experiences might just help someone out there also.
For now, may you travel with grief with light and love in your heart.
Christina
References:
Tonkin, L. (1996). Growing around grief – another way of looking at grief and recovery. Bereavement Care, 15(1), 10-10.
The Ralph Site created the image based on the concept put forward by Dr. Tonkin.
Christina is a cancer social worker, Matrix Reimprinting, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) practitioner and Reiki master-teacher with a love of energy based and mindfulness practices.
She works with people to free themselves from their grief struggles so they can move through life with more ease, confidence, love and joy, all while honouring their loved ones and themselves in their own unique way.
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